Relationships

[Chocofreak13]

tbh that'll be quelled once you get here, but i understand what you mean. :\

[SleepyD]

I'm decidedly a sexual male, with fairly strong desires. Certainly it's easier to be attracted to a fictional character, since my mind will naturally "fill in the blanks" with the ideal mate. It's never like that, and there will always be aspects to a person that one may not like. Still looking. Though, never having been in a relationship is difficult. I don't have any experience in the courtship thing.

I am fairly isolated, but I do have a large network of friends and acquaintances that I can reach out to, not just online, but physically as well. Alas, for the girls that I am attracted to in my network, usually in my first meeting I'll find they are A) waaay too young or B) already taken, and the motivation to pursue is all but gone. So I try to cast a wider net, particularly at anime cons, and see where it'll lead. Alas, it is a slow process. I can only manage to open up to a couple people per convention weekend. ^^;

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RAMBLING ALERT, SLEEPY HAS TO VENT A BIT:

On a tangent, I've recently found myself in a place in a group of friends where I'm helping someone deal with his sexual desires/fetishes and isolation. I could sense that loneliness and I honestly could relate to a number of things (one is worrying about sharing my fetishes with people), so I offered my support. Every time he tries to find a sexual partner, it never pans out. Unlike me, he actively tries to do so, which probably makes his frustration much worse than mine. It's not in my nor his nature to actively seek out a relationship--we're both fairly reserved people. But he's fed up with waiting for a girlfriend to just somehow fall in his lap. Similar to me, he's never known what a starting a relationship is like, and without any of that experience, all this rejection is taking a mental toll.

At the same time, I'm lending my ear to a mutual friend who has had horrible past experiences with other men of a similar persuasion. By which, I mean the expectation of sex from a relationship (usually coming from a self-professed "nice guy"). She doesn't want to get involved in our discussion since she feels her resentment towards those men in her past will unjustly leak to him. It's a great courtesy and a testament to her self-awareness, but there is some internal conflict going on here that I want to help her out with.

The former guy seems to have a good head on his shoulders at the moment, so I don't believe he will harbor resentment toward the girls he approaches for not accepting his proposals, which led to the problems the latter girl had in her past. The girl is also on the asexual side of the spectrum (but not completely so), so I'm sure she finds it difficult to relate on an empathetic level with his sexual needs/wants. Empathy is her (and my) primary method of helping people out, and I imagine it's very frustrating to have a negative reaction to his venting rather than feelings of support. We're both similar in personality in that we can't stand to see a friend of ours be troubled like that, so it's hard to ignore.

It's... difficult, really. Both are justified in their feelings, I think. It's like I'm tiptoeing around eggshells while at the same time trying to offer my support to both. I probably already said too much though... It's pretty personal. I just needed to get this off my chest to someone unrelated. My brain has been running on overdrive over the past couple days. It just wants to keep asking questions and probe some more, but I know I shouldn't do that. Not all at once anyway.

[Chocofreak13]

as empathetic as she wants to be, she should stay out of it since she has a personal stake in the matter, having been in their shoes. you on the other hand, keep listening but don't meddle; if they have a confrontation, they'll have a confrontation. putting it off just makes it worse. and i'm speaking from experience here. (srsly, how did i end up the most life-experienced one here lololol)


i'm beginning to regret telling you guys about the anime thing. there were some other secrets of mine that i was thinking about revealing to OSC since i trust you guys, but i guess it's a good thing i didn't. and here i thought OSC was a judgement-free zone. >>;

[Bella]

I've re-read these comments like three times, and I didn't see a shred of judgement anyplace. That being said, I can't speak for the others but I certainly didn't judge you. After all, I admitted to being more prone to falling for fictional characters than real people too. -w-

[NejinOniwa]

It's less a case of judgment and more a case of I know dat feel, really. Stop worrying, minion.

[Nichi]

Thirded. I mean, I've had more crushes on anime \ video game \ cartoon characters than anything. I don't see it as anything to be ashamed of

[Chocofreak13]

it's hard to put into words. but re-reading the comments just makes me feel more awkward about baring my soul to you guys. still don't feel like people get it.

[Bella]

There's nothing wrong with that. If you don't feel like disclosing something, don't feel like you have to ... gawd knows I love you guys like family, but there are things I prefer to keep to myself, or between me and whomever it concerns. Even family members are entitled to their secrets...

That being said, don't feel bad or awkward. I didn't think there was anything unusual or awkward about what you wrote; on the contrary, it's nice knowing that there are people who're in the same boat at me. (Or at least a similar one.) ^^'

[SleepyD]

as empathetic as she wants to be, she should stay out of it since she has a personal stake in the matter, having been in their shoes. you on the other hand, keep listening but don't meddle; if they have a confrontation, they'll have a confrontation. putting it off just makes it worse. and i'm speaking from experience here. (srsly, how did i end up the most life-experienced one here lololol)

I don't expect a conflict between these two. I don't think they're putting off anything. It's more dealing with their own feelings and how they can't control the world around them that causes these negative feelings.

Any argument between the two will probably end up with both of them wallowing in their own thoughts going "why did I do that?" etc. They're both very cerebral and conflict-avoidant, so something else drastic has to happen to even cause an argument in the first place.

I'm not so much a moderator between two opposing fronts as I am a counselor for two people at this stage. Their main problems just happen to indirectly involve each other.

i'm beginning to regret telling you guys about the anime thing. there were some other secrets of mine that i was thinking about revealing to OSC since i trust you guys, but i guess it's a good thing i didn't. and here i thought OSC was a judgement-free zone. >>;

it's hard to put into words. but re-reading the comments just makes me feel more awkward about baring my soul to you guys. still don't feel like people get it.

I will concur with the others that I did not see any judgement here. A lot of it was relating your anime thing with our own personal experiences. It's definitely not the same thing between all of us for sure, and we're certainly not saying the way we think about it is how you should think about it. Basically, we're sharing similar experiences to induce further discussion.

[Chocofreak13]

she should still avoid talking to him about the matter, as he might see it as "that kind of girl" talking down to him. i know i'd feel that way were i in his shoes.


the judgement lies in that i blur the line of "real". but as bella said, it's better kept to myself. a pity, though, since closing myself up about this means closing myself up about other, darker secrets that are probably better out in the open....

[SleepyD]

she should still avoid talking to him about the matter, as he might see it as "that kind of girl" talking down to him. i know i'd feel that way were i in his shoes.


the judgement lies in that i blur the line of "real". but as bella said, it's better kept to myself. a pity, though, since closing myself up about this means closing myself up about other, darker secrets that are probably better out in the open....

Right, that's what she decided on doing anyway. We certainly don't want to stop all contact, that would be just as disconcerting. She'll just avoid entering any discussion on the matter.

We have been talking a lot about human sexuality lately due to this. And we've been talking about the male perspective on things, 2D/3D porn, and fetishes. At the very least I think she understands it on a logical level. Actually getting it emotionally, well, that takes time, and must be done on her own terms.

[Chocofreak13]

yeah, that seems like the best route. it's a touchy topic at best anyway, i can tell. :\

[SleepyD]

It's touchy, but they're respecting each other's space. We're all still on good terms at the moment. I'd really hate to see it devolve into something messy.

It's an interesting emotional exercise to say the least. All three of us are not the type to have emotional outbursts of any kind, usually facing the world with a calm facade. It isn't readily obvious that any of us are troubled by anything. Only our closest contacts would know.

On that note, how about I change the topic a bit. I'm fairly sure I test as INFP on the Myers-Briggs personality test.
Here's a good explanation by contrast that really resonates with me and my internal motivations:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wAlL99vDn4

[alfonso_rd_30]

mmm... kari... I can relate... I have several fan-fictions, a website in construction and 2 wikis about my "love life" with "Fictional" characters...

So, since we are Opening up, I'm Alfonso Rodriguez and I'm not a Terrorist (sorry I couldn't resist) and this is my Story...

Once upon a time was this guy, chubby, kinda cuteish (and has been described as tough once)... whom had ended his Kinder-garden period and was starting his elementary school... in his classroom there was this girl, a beauty for her age, and that was noticed by the boy, and the "jock" of the classroom... so most days the boy would  "fight" over her with the jock... as he seemed to lust for her too... yet fate was kinda kind with the boy, since the object of his affection live nearby his home... so every day, he would walk back home with his older sister, leave his stuff home, and head to the house of the girl in question... enjoying the afternoons with her... playing, frolicking, and watching Mazinger Z thanks to her having a satellite dish... sometimes not bothering to leave his stuff home and walking her home... Alas good times didn't last and in the end of that school year the girl had to move to the north... and the boy lost his first love... the rest of elementary school was dull and bohring, the boy grew up as normal as he could... then it came... Middle school...

Middle school was a weird stage... as in elementary he never had a circle of friends, but only one or two associates, in middle school things changed.. his grades dropped but he had a circle of at least four friends thru the entire three years... Here the boy had a couple of incidents... The first one has been related, as there was a not too good looking girl professing her undying love for him daily on his way back home, unfortunately for her, he was not ready to "like like" girls so he rejected her... several times, during the time she was infatuated on him... the second, on the last year of middle school there was a transfer to his classroom... a girl... for that time he had started having desire of a girlfriend... and upon seeing her he fell in love.

the girl was a bit chubby, but her face was perfect, curly bangs, pouty big lips and a beauty mark near them... here the boy did the biggest mistake of his life...

he decided to ask her out, unfortunately he did so in the classroom... full with his peers, so she was forced to accept... and he got himself a girlfriend, for a whole week... was he so happy, so ecstasied he failed to notice the poor girl's suffering and humiliation... in private she requested him to end the forced compromise, and he saw how much he had hurt her, so he did the right thing and dumped her... in public too, so she wouldn't suffer, no matter how much he was hurt...

Then it came Junior high... ahh junior High... here he found the answer to his life's passion: computers, but it also brought something else... the beauty of his early years returned... she "came back" to him... unfortunately, they didn't share classroom those three years, but they shared passion: soccer...  the first couple years He got some friends out of his age zone... older friends, upperclassmen, whom were part of the school indoor soccer selective... those friends helped him grow, despite the growing rift with her still protective older sister, and ith them his beloved came back... she was one of the first chosen from the freshmen to be on the team... and they both hanged around the upperclassmen, there he would try to court her, but she was not interested, he asked her out, in private this time, but she was not interested, but decided to stay friends... he could be her friend, he would not give up...  there he had one of his biggest accomplishments, well two actually, since he was the one training the goalkeeper of the womens indoor soccer selective, and his classroom team almost got to the finals of the inter school tournament, with a brilliant yet late performance of his, yet in his lovelife it all went downhill...

the girl decided to date one of the upperclassmen behind her mother's back... an unwise move, so she begged the boy to keep the secret... which he did... unfortunately, the mother still found out... so she thought that him, out of spite, had tailed on her... despite seeing how both he and the upperclassman agreed and accepted her choice of lover, and decided to unfriend and ignore him... forever... the last time he saw her was at a grocery store, she was with her mother, whom complimented how good boyfriend material and man itself was the boy to the saleslady, only to hear the girl mutter how untrue that was, so the boy did make his shopping, silent the entire time, and got back home... frustrated of her gall.. the last thing the boy heard of her, was that she was a lesbian... long after he found out the upperclassman, whom told her how much of a slut she was, and the boy still defended her...

finally (the Rock is back...! again couldn't help it...) came High school... and trust me, HighSchool is no Musical... here he found his last love... an older woman... he met her in the place of his dreams: an arcade... he was to record some music from an arcade, and said arcade was found out the suburbs he lives, so he took advantage of him switching to an afternoon school to go in the morning to do that recording... to which the clerk was so nice to him, it was love at first sight... he found her cute, smart and liked the video games as he did... no matter if she was 4 years older than him, he courted her... To whatever place she was switched, he tracked her down... he gave her copies of his first fanfiction, and was the first one to cause him an erection... he once stole a kiss from her lips... the most amazing thing he had experienced...

Again fate conspired against him... both his parents disapproved his desire to marry her (His mother even telling him that why should he settle with an "used" woman...) and the woman deciding to try to rekindle her old relationship, for the sake of her kids... alas, they had to get apart...

and this has been my love life, tear it apart OSC

[Chocofreak13]

sucks that your parents didn't approve. arcade lady sounds nice. :\ (and what do they mean, "used" woman!?)

@sleepy: i'm INFP.