Relationships

[SleepyD]

Since it seems there's some interest to discuss this, I figure this is a better place to put it. (this sort of thread in other forums can get nasty at times, but I think we're all mature enough, yes?)

@master: you need to loosen up. staying that way can't be good for you. ;^;
@bells: you also need to loosen up. staying that way can't be good for you, either. =__=;

@stew, sleepy: romantic relationships are a double-edged sword; sometimes the person you like the most can be the most hurtful.
when picking blackberries, you may not get them all. even when you grab on to one and don't get it, it was still worth the try, because if you go for it and it doesn't fall out of your grasp or fall apart in your fingers, it will be so sweet, it will have been worth the thorns. -w-

"You'll never win the game if you don't play," right? heh And there are always winners and losers I suppose.
Well, so far, anyone that has caught my eye is already taken.  So I'll keep looking around. heh

There's no terror involved; it's just that I tend to be possessive/loyalty-demanding in friendships and I can't imagine I'd be any different in a romance. Throw in my general trust- and abandonment-issues and it's easy to see how that could be a horrific, emotionally-scarring experience. >>

Hm... possessive is okay. 
I can't speak for your situation bells, but everything just needs to be moderated somehow. 
Going to an emotional extreme can easily drive someone away.  And many times, people don't realize that what's extreme for one person isn't extreme for the other.  Chalk it up to incompatibility or work a compromise.  You win some you lose some.

[Red-Machine]

I've not had any relationships to speak of.  Mainly due to my lack of confidence (i.e. not feeling like asking someone out), rejection issues and the fact I just don't like forcing myself on people (which is the main reason I don't talk to the people I used to know, I figure if they wanted to talk to me or meet up with me, they'd ask).

There's no terror involved; it's just that I tend to be possessive/loyalty-demanding in friendships and I can't imagine I'd be any different in a romance. Throw in my general trust- and abandonment-issues and it's easy to see how that could be a horrific, emotionally-scarring experience. >>

I would be the same way.  I'd want nothing more or less from my partner than I gave them.  Trust issues insofar that I'm paranoid all the time about stuff like that.  Abandonment issues, well, let's just say I've been abandoned by people in the past and it's not an experience I'd want to repeat.

Oh, something that I was discussing with a friend yesterday.  I'd also want a physical relationship too.  If my partner flatly refused to ever have sex with me, then I'd struggle to find reasons to maintain the relationship as it was.  If you don't have sex, you're just close friends as I feel it is an integral part of sharing your love with someone.

[Chocofreak13]

in order to have a relationship with someone, i need to be able to fully picture getting physical with them. if i can't even picture a peck on the lips, then it's a no go. ^^;

my past relationships have been a learning experience. out of 6, 2 were online, 3 did some form of drugs, and i'm still friends with 1. out of the 6, i only loved 1 (and he's not the friend ^^; ).
they were a rich learning experience. however, they all crashed and burned (i don't mean to  pick bad boys, it's just that good guys rarely sport ridiculously long hair ^^; ). i was dumped by 4 (badly) and the 2 i dumped stalked me for periods of time. .__.;

since i seem to be the most romantically experienced here (funny since i'm one of the youngest), i'd try to give you romantic advice, but since i always end up with extremists, i'm not sure how much help i'd be. :\

btw, am i the only one here who swings for both teams? :\

[Krizonar]

I'm in a relationship and I like it!

[NejinOniwa]

swinging

Whatever tendencies I may have had in that direction were likely blown away in 9th grade when I learned that more than half of my year at school thought I was gay...which, considering I asked the thing as a joke on the bus, was a bit BIKKURISHITA WTFLOL.

As I've stated before, due to my snail's speed of picking up the vibes of my own brain on romantic matters, trains I've wanted to catch has generally departed twice before I get the idea of going to the station...yeah. -__-

[Chocofreak13]

@master: poor dear. ^^; we need to give that section of the brain some caffeine. ^^

@kriz: nice. ^^

[Red-Machine]

I'm the same, I usually have to be told someone likes me before I realise it.

[Chocofreak13]

to be honest, i'm like that too. >__< all but maybe 2 of my relationships were initiated by the other.

[Paul]

Unfortunately I've never really had a relationship though I really would like to have one.

I guess it's pretty much due to my somewhat shy nature (especially when being with someone I have a crush on). Also past experiences (I got rejected by EVERY girl I ever had a crush on) crushed my already weak self-esteem even more :/
And when I see my friends making out with their girlfriends, I often think "Somehow I'd also like a piece of the cake".

[Chocofreak13]

@paul: jealousy is normal when friends have people and you don't. it's also normal when a backstabbing bitch steals 2 boyfriends out from under you. >__<;

even if you've been hurt, you should still try. :3

@aurora: ouch, that sounds complicated. haven't heard anything that tricky in a long time. >__< in that situation, you gotta be more decisive and firm. i've had a relationship drag on because i seemed to make the guy happy. in the end, i ended it because i was feeling sorry for him, and i knew that was no basis for a relationship. :[

of course, this is just my advice/experiences, feel free to throw it out the window. ^^;

[Paul]

Hmm, I'm not really jealous but rather a little sad.
And yeah I suppose I'll try again. (Though it would be a great deal easier if the girl would initiate something, but most of the girls here want the guy to start things :/)

[Bella]

Holy crap, a relationship thread. This shit is scarier than anything in the /H section by and far. -w-

I'm asexual/aromantic. The thought of physical or emotional intimacy with just about, well, anyone, tends to register somewhere from unpleasant to wretch-worthy on the DO NOT WANT Scale. Romance annoys the hell out of me too, I'd probably want to break a guitar over the head of anyone who wrote me a sonnet or love poem or showed up on my doorstep with flowers in hand, or in any other form tried to "win" my love or make themselves more appealing to me.

BUT!

There are exceptions to this rule, as indicated by the few people I've known and thought, "Hey, I would date-and-probably-eventually-hit-that." And by few, I mean very few, less than a half-dozen. In my life. Ever. Which, technically, puts me into demisexual territory, pandemisexual if you consider that I don't really give a damn about the gender of a potential mate, though the traits I find appealing are more common in men. AND: although there are people I'd date, I wouldn't really want a romantic relationship per se; I mean, I'd want their commitment to a relationship, but I wouldn't stand for maudlin proclamations of love and ostentatious gestures of loyalty and devotion. Marriage would probably be out of the question, children, never. Though "wise adults" have told me When you find the person you love, you'll want those things. Yeahhhhhh, right..... >____>;;

TL;DR, I'm a genderblind asexual/aromantic who would go demisexual in a relationship while retaining aromanticism, who basically only wants somebody I can trust and make happy and share a part of myself with, somebody to laugh with and love with and adventure with. Though I don't kid myself that I would be made happy by it - I would probably have fun but at the same time too paranoid about being abandoned to really consistently enjoy myself, but I'm like that all the time anyway. So it wouldn't exactly be new.

...
...

Oh, something that I was discussing with a friend yesterday.  I'd also want a physical relationship too.  If my partner flatly refused to ever have sex with me, then I'd struggle to find reasons to maintain the relationship as it was.  If you don't have sex, you're just close friends as I feel it is an integral part of sharing your love with someone.

As an asexual I take offense to that - I know of many ace or part-ace couples that maintain deep romantic connections even without there being sex, and I'm sick and tired of the non-asexual assumption otherwise. >_____<

That said, if I was in a relationship (at least, with a sexual person) I'd want there to be sex; if it's enjoyable for me and enjoyable for my partner why not? (Okay, I can list dozens of reasons "why not", but that was more of a rhetorical question.) But in this case I look at sex like taking pleasure in a tasty meal or playing an exciting game - done for recreation and the enjoyment of both parties, not as some sort of mystical bonding experience or way to prove your love. -______-

I've never had any interest in relationships, but I was dragged into a relationship last year by a friend who turned out that he was in love with me. It was totally one-sided and I hated it; I just wanted to be friends with him, but I got trapped in it for some time because it'd make him happy, and I thought I had no say in the matter anyways, so there was also the fear of retribution...

That's horrible, Aurora. I'm glad you were able to make it out of the relationship and still be friends though...

[NejinOniwa]

like taking pleasure in a tasty meal or playing an exciting game

I'll keep this thing noted down somewhere. _W_

[Chocofreak13]

@bella: i agree on the notion of sex being romantic or w/e. sex is boring. the one time i've had it was thinking about someone else. :\ so i don't get the pomp and circumstance surrounding it. at this point, if i wasn't going for pure recreation with it, it'd be when i'm 28, hoping to gain children out of a one-night-stand.
i can see SOME romance with it sometimes, but saying that it's meant to be a mystical bonding ritual, well, i'd count that more as walking over hot coals together or bungee jumping together. :\

oh, and just for comedic effect, one of the times i come and get you over the summer, i'm gonna do what my friend russell did when he tried taking me out: show up on the doorstep with a traffic cone full of flowers. -w-

[SleepyD]

I've never had any interest in relationships, but I was dragged into a relationship last year by a friend who turned out that he was in love with me. It was totally one-sided and I hated it; I just wanted to be friends with him, but I got trapped in it for some time because it'd make him happy, and I thought I had no say in the matter anyways, so there was also the fear of retribution...

So it went on for 8 painful months, and it was doomed from the start. The breakup went waaay worse than I hoped it would. We're still friends now (thankfully!) and our friendship has recovered from that mess, but it still leaves a lot of questions I'm reluctant to ask, afraid to open up old wounds again.

Yes, when people come to me with relationship problems (I still am not sure why), honest communication is often the basic underlying problem. It doesn't matter what else they complain about, usually it's due to that little thing.

I'm glad to hear that you've made up! I'm one of those people that would just HATE leaving a relationship on bad terms.  I don't mind awkward, but knowing that someone out there hates my guts kinda hurts me inside.

Holy crap, a relationship thread. This shit is scarier than anything in the /H section by and far. -w-

I'm asexual/aromantic. The thought of physical or emotional intimacy with just about, well, anyone, tends to register somewhere from unpleasant to wretch-worthy on the DO NOT WANT Scale. Romance annoys the hell out of me too, I'd probably want to break a guitar over the head of anyone who wrote me a sonnet or love poem or showed up on my doorstep with flowers in hand, or in any other form tried to "win" my love or make themselves more appealing to me.

BUT!

There are exceptions to this rule, as indicated by the few people I've known and thought, "Hey, I would date-and-probably-eventually-hit-that." And by few, I mean very few, less than a half-dozen. In my life. Ever. Which, technically, puts me into demisexual territory, pandemisexual if you consider that I don't really give a damn about the gender of a potential mate, though the traits I find appealing are more common in men. AND: although there are people I'd date, I wouldn't really want a romantic relationship per se; I mean, I'd want their commitment to a relationship, but I wouldn't stand for maudlin proclamations of love and ostentatious gestures of loyalty and devotion. Marriage would probably be out of the question, children, never. Though "wise adults" have told me When you find the person you love, you'll want those things. Yeahhhhhh, right..... >____>;;

TL;DR, I'm a genderblind asexual/aromantic who would go demisexual in a relationship while retaining aromanticism, who basically only wants somebody I can trust and make happy and share a part of myself with, somebody to laugh with and love with and adventure with. Though I don't kid myself that I would be made happy by it - I would probably have fun but at the same time too paranoid about being abandoned to really consistently enjoy myself, but I'm like that all the time anyway. So it wouldn't exactly be new.

I know someone who not too long ago had a big presentation on asexuality.  Due to distance and time I wasn't able to attend, but the problem I see is getting people to understand asexuality.  The vast majority of people will not be able to understand what it feels like to not have a sexual drive.  Without some sort of explanation, they'll probably be lost--not knowing where they stand in a relationship.  And... yeah, for some people, when they start questioning themselves, lots of CRAAAZY random things pop into their minds.  This often results in DRAMA.


On a different note, I may be a virgin, but I'm certainly not asexual.  Despite my outward appearance and my personality, the thought of sex crosses my mind multiple times a day.  But I probably have a bit more control (maybe too much?) on the expression of such thoughts than most guys I've met. 
Also, I'll admit to being a bit of romantic.  Although as opposed to just flowers or something, I'd probably do it in a much nerdier way. Like that dude who hacked a rom of Chrono Trigger and put in his proposal after leading the protag through his own little stage. (I'd probably not get anywhere near that level of epic nerd romanticism though haha) 

oh, and just for comedic effect, one of the times i come and get you over the summer, i'm gonna do what my friend russell did when he tried taking me out: show up on the doorstep with a traffic cone full of flowers. -w-

That's either a LOT of flowers, or one of dem small traffic cones. heh