death

[panda]

Is death the only true way out?
If there is not after life, then hell, I'd kill myself, I hate playing this "game" of living. I really do. After much thought, I've boiled my optioions down to two things, 1) kill my self, 2) kill the selected.

[Pitkin]

Read my PM, panda-san.

[panda]

It is like what Capt. said, " I think you become happy by making the best of what you got." Yea, I am. Rugby is fun. But I don't want to live. But don't think of me as a emo-kid, I do my work, I don't cause trouble, I don't do drugs.

[DrizzCat]

Maybe some Pot would help then?  A few hours of Blissful Mind Expansion is not always a bad thing, when used in MODERATION.

I infact keep a small supply as a Pain killer.  Had a migrane the other night, and I know no Meds touch it, Works great for that.  

May I ask what brought on these feelings of self dislike?  Maybe you should consider seeing a doc about them, could be a sign of something else not working right?  Maybe it's a sign of depression

[panda]

I don't do drugs. None at all, no advil or any thing.
I don't know where the fillings of "self dislike" come form. And I'm not going to see a "doc" about it.

[Ayromek]

I don't know why I feel compelled to say anything at this point, though I imagine that it has something to do with the fact that I've walked down the same road you're walking right now.  I won't go into any of the sordid details here - if you really want to hear my story, you can always IM me and ask about it.  In the meantime, some advice from my perspective:

But I don't want to live.

There is a difference between not wanting to live, and not wanting to die.  Right now you strike me as being right on the line that separates the two.  While you may not wish to live any longer, you don't really wish that you were dead.  People who cross that line are the people who actually go through with their plans and end their own lives.  That you're still posting here tells me that you haven't crossed that line - yet.

I don't know where the fillings of "self dislike" come form. And I'm not going to see a "doc" about it.

Perhaps I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm going to suggest that the root of these issues stems from an identity crisis of a considerable magnitude.  While most all young adults go through an identity crisis of one sort or another, what scant evidence I have to judge suggests that this problem is not within the usual tolerances, particularly if this has been happening over an extended duration.  This would likely breed these feelings of self-resentment and alienation you mention.  There is very likely a part of this picture that I cannot see, however - so don't take my words as the gospel.

I won't try to convince you to talk to a doctor about your problems, as it isn't my place - however, I do feel that you should turn your search for counseling away from the Internet and relate your experiences with a trustworthy adult.  Human-to-human contact is the first step in breaking the cycle of torment you're going through and keeping yourself from crossing that line.

While I could say much more on this subject, I think it would only overcomplicate what I am trying to say.  Nonetheless, if you have questions or need clarifications, feel free to contact me via Y!M or AIM - my contact information is readily available.

[panda]

Let me enlighten you to the world of panda and the history of the world of panda.
I moved from my (country) home town when I was 10, to a city, BIG diffrence. Got in a fight and almost got espeled from elementary school (this is also the time that I think my slight rasicim comes from because I was herashed by a Black teacher, who later became priciple at a school which was in a law suit because of teachers herashing their students.) Of corse being told "your a bad kid", and "stop being so difficult" etc. Made me depressed. I tried to comit suircide two times. Then I when to Jr. High, VERY slowly made a few friends. Then I moved agian but only for six months and moved back (it was in thoughs six months that I decided to google "sex change"). A few months ago I tryied to comite suircide agian, but I called a friend to let him know. --gota go more later--

[L33t 4g3nt]

I know how you feel. I used to contemplate suicide, especially when things aren't going my way or when I felt depressed, thinking that the world might be better off without me. I had also felt that I had no purpose, that it was pointless for me to go on living.

But all of that is false!

I can't go into great detail right now, but there are several things that hold me back when ever I start thinking suicide.

1. Religion.

I happen to be very religious, since I was brought up in a really religious family. Plus there was this certain retreat I went on at the beginning of my senior year, but that's confidential.

So there are two basics about the religion aspect: first is that if you kill yourself you sin and go to hell where you will be suffering for eternity. When you think about it, if you feel like you are suffering now, think how it would be like in hell. Secondly is the knowledge that God forgives and is mercyful. Even though you or I may pray for who knows what to make our lives better, and God doesn't answer, there must be a good reason why he would or would not act. Like asking for a brand new car would be a bit unreasonable. The knowledge that he is there watching us and that if anything bad would happen to us, we would be compensated a hundredfold in heaven. If there is someone here on earth that is being bad to you, just remember that "karma" will get him later in life. Also, another thought comes to mind. If God had intended for you or I to die whenever we attempted to take our lives, then we wouldn't be here. You and I are still living because there is still a purpose for us in our lives, there is a reason God is keeping us alive.

---
I'll stop there with my religious preaching. But if you think of it without attaching it with a specific religion, save for a believe in the existence of a supreme being, then it would still make sense.
---

2. Humans are built to survive.

Most "techniques" to kill yourself will most likely fail 90 to 99 percent of the time. The only way to successfully die is to die naturally or get killed by someone else. Let start with drowning. It is an automatic human reaction to try to get oxygen. While attempting to drown yourself, you would end up passing out, and end up floating to the surface. How about overdose? Even if you think you might be taking too much, your body will end up regurgitating whatever you took. You'll come out with something like a really bad headache or hangover. Slashing yourself? Unrealistic. It's a stereotype way to kill yourself, but you would be better off chopping your whole hand off with a butcher's knife. (not that I'm advocating chopping your hand off) You won't be able to lose enough blood from just slashing yourself. You might just pass out from loss of blood for all we know.

---
Those are just a few possibilites why your own body will automatically keep you from killing yourself.
---

3. Society

You try to kill yourself and fail. They send you either to juvi, a mental institution, rehab, or even jail. Enough said.

---
I keep thinking to myself that if I tried killing myself, but fail and have to be sent to jail, I would choose to stay out of jail.
---

Kinda went on a tangent.

From my personal experiences, I whenever I would feel depressed, I would frequent many of those self-help websites, teen depression websites, teen suicide websites, and many others. And many of the places have some really good advice.

In the end, just always keep in mind that there is a purpose for you and your life will just get better as time goes on. Probably this just isn't your time. If you kill yourself now, you'll never know if life will end up turning even better for you in the future.

If you need someone to talk to, just feel free to IM me. I frequently act like my friends and classmates' peer counselor and talk to them and give them advice.

AIM: aegis00010

[panda]

chopping your whole hand off with a butcher's knife. (not that I'm advocating chopping your hand off)

i thought about that, then I thought that living with out a hand would be very hard, so I've decided to chop my right pinky off. . . I have yet to find a sharp knife.

I'll continue my story

A few months ago I tryied to comite suircide agian, but I called a friend to let him know. He freaked out and ran to my house, and stoped me. My parents threated to make me see a counsular, i have yet to see one, if I didn't "get better". I'm still in the mood I've always been in. (except to night I'm pissed because after rugby practice, which was in freezing rain and a very wet fiuld, I was forgotten for an HOUR in freezing rain that just got worse and worse.)

[DrizzCat]

*hugs Panda* First and Foremost you need a Hug in real Life, Go get Hugged

Then Maybe talk to someone about whats going through your head.  You seem like Nice people, and i would Hate to lose another nice person in the world

[panda]

You seem like Nice people

What?! "you" is for one person, and "people" is for more then 1 person. . . Are you saying I'm more then 1 person?

Any who, I don't like to be touched. or touch things.

[DrizzCat]

It's a saying from my part of the world, it actually refers to just one person.

Why don't you like being touched?

[panda]

I don't really know. I was not touched as a kid, except for "disiplinary action", and it feels weird to be touched by people.

[DrizzCat]

That would be why then,  Might explain some of the problems you are having now.  I take it your parents never really showed you any form of Love or respect have they?  I'm not trying to blame your parents here, But showing love to a Child from the Start helps to keep them well grounded in life.

[panda]

pffft.
Humanity is weak. I hate my humanity, and its stupid emotions and feelings, and such.